Christmas morning at our house looks a lot like you'd picture: pajamas, a too-early wake-up call, and a little girl flying down the stairs to see what Santa left. Somewhere else, our daughter's birth mom is waking up to a quieter morning.
The holidays bring so much joy for us. We get to be together, keep our traditions going, and make new memories with our daughter. But I know this season can feel very different for her birth family. It can be the time they feel the empty spot most, wishing they could watch her tear open presents or hear her giggle at the table with her cousins while Grandpa tells another cheesy joke.
So every year, I make a point of letting them know we're thinking of them, and of bringing them into those moments, even from far away. None of it is complicated. Most of it takes five minutes. But it means more than you'd guess.
Video messages (and FaceTime, if it fits)
We try to connect with our daughter's birth mom at least once over the holidays. FaceTime works for some families, but for a lot of people it feels awkward or forced, like you're both waiting for the other one to fill the silence.
We love Marco Polo, an app where you send video messages back and forth whenever it's convenient. Nobody has to be free at the same time, and a message can be as short as 30 seconds. My daughter loves replaying the messages she gets and recording little ones of her own.
It's become our way of letting her birth mom be part of the day:
Carving pumpkins, so she could see our daughter's face as she squished her fingers through all the slime and seeds
Coming down the stairs on Christmas morning to see what Santa brought
Opening the gift her birth mom sent, so she could see the reaction to something she put real thought into
Just sitting around the Thanksgiving table, passing around the same cheesy jokes we tell every year
Add them to your Christmas card list
After family photos, it's Christmas card season: labeling envelopes, sticking on stamps, sharing how much everyone has grown. Adding the birth family to that list is one of the easiest things you can do. Everyone loves real mail, and a card is something they can hold onto, frame, or tuck into a scrapbook. It's one more piece of their child to keep.
Take it a step further and have your child decorate a card just for their birth family. It keeps little hands busy on a hectic day, and it shows where your child is right now: how their handwriting is coming along, how they draw, the colors they reach for. That's the stuff birth families don't get to see day to day.
Send a text, and ask about them too
Sometimes the simplest thing is a text that says "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Thanksgiving." It tells them they're thought of, not forgotten. Add a photo or a quick note about your plans, and it means even more.
And don't forget to ask about them. What are they doing for the holidays? How are they holding up? Sharing your child's joy is a gift, but checking in on them as a person is one too.
Let them set the pace
Not every birth family is in the same place, and the holidays can be tender. Some will want every video. Others may need a little distance this time of year, and that's okay. Often they’re too nervous to tell you where they’re at because they don’t want to throw off the dynamic or upset you — something that might interfere with their connection. So, if you're not sure, just ask what feels good to them and follow their lead.
Why I keep doing this
It's easy to get swept up in the holiday whirlwind: cleaning the house, prepping the food, buying the presents, keeping everyone happy. The little things are the first to slip. I work hard to keep this one from slipping, because it isn't only for the birth family. It's for my daughter.
Keeping that connection alive keeps a door open for her. As she gets older, she gets to decide how involved she wants everyone to be and how she feels about her own story. Until then, my job is to make sure that choice is still hers to make.
