Transracial Adoption: What you Need to Know
It’s easy to say that you will love any child that is placed with your family and that race doesn’t matter. But that’s only the very first part. If you are going to have a transracial adoption, it’s important to recognize that it requires a lot more than just acceptance and love.
Education
There is a huge component that is required in transracial adoptions and that is education. You must be willing to learn and educate yourself on different cultures — especially if you are white and adopting a child of another color.
We have different customs and we experience life differently. Therefore, it’s important to learn the traditions and culture of your child’s background. As your child gets older, they are going to want to know where they come from. They are going to want to know about their ancestors and have a better understanding of who they are. This is all important information when it comes to forming their own identity.
Being humble and admitting what you don’t know is okay. Willing to learn alongside your child is important and can be a bonding experience. Do your own research. Learn from others’ experiences so that you know what to be aware of and recognize your child may end up sharing those experiences or having similar feelings.
Awareness
I, personally, will never first-handedly understand how society sees and treats people of color. I know on the surface that discrimination exists and there are individuals out there who may act accordingly. However, I will never understand what it’s like to regularly walk into an environment and be a minority. I will never understand what it’s like for people to notice the color of my skin first before they see who I am as a person.
Pretending you don’t see color is doing your child a disservice. Instead, acknowledge the differences. Talk about the differences. Be honest with the reality of your situation and of our society. Be cognizant of the environments you’re putting your child in and how they might feel.
Does your child have other children who look like them? Does your child have movie or book characters that represent their ethnicity? Does your child have dolls that look like them? Does your child have any interactions with a community that looks like them?
Growing up in a white world can be difficult and it can be hard for your child to feel truly seen and understood. Finding people who have shared experiences provides them an outlet to connect and feel less alone. Creating a safe space for your child to have dialogue is huge and being aware of these needs is important.
Outside Comments
Unfortunately, there are some people who feel like it is socially acceptable to say whatever comes to mind. Sometimes, these comments can be offensive and insensitive. Sometimes, people mean well and it still doesn’t land right.
I have had experiences where people are confused why my child doesn’t look like me. I know…it’s not rocket science, but it really can confuse people. They then feel entitled to ask questions like, “Is she yours?” If you do end up divulging that your child is adopted, then they often want to know the details of the adoption, “Oh, was the mom on drugs?” or “Oh, so was she a foster kid?” Despite the fact that none of that is their business, that does not stop them from asking.
Additionally, you may get comments like, “Aww…it’s just so great you adopted. How lucky is she to have parents like you?!” Yes, these people mean well. However, adoptive parents aren’t heroes. We are the lucky ones. We are the blessed ones. We did not just swoop in and save these children. And despite the fact that adoption can be a very positive and beautiful experience, the truth is there’s also a dark side. There’s trauma and grief. It’s complex.
We feel very fortunate to be our daughter’s parents. I wouldn’t have it any other way. However, I am doing my best to honor my daughter’s differences and have those hard talks. I want her to know it’s okay to ask questions and share her good and bad experiences. I want to truly know where she needs supports and how I can do better for her. I’m open and willing to learn.
I follow other adoptees who voice what they wish their parents knew or what they wish their parents had done differently. I recognize that we’re not all perfect, and regardless, there are going to be areas where I mess up. But, the first step of a transracial adoption is acknowledging the fact that there’s more to it than just loving the child for who they are. You are their advocate. Therefore, the responsibility falls on you to speak up for them, find them resources, and provide them opportunities to connect with people who can understand them and see them for who they really are— beyond their race and beyond being an adoptee.
Help them feel less alone. Help your child feel seen. Help your child recognize the beauty in their differences and be proud of where they come from. And then, of course, ensure they feel loved.
