Adoption Myths Busted: What Everyone Should Know
As an adoptive mom and someone who spends a lot of time talking about our own adoption story, I hear the same adoption myths again and again—at the playground, in Facebook groups, even from well-meaning relatives.
These myths can hurt children, confuse birth parents, and leave adoptive families feeling misunderstood— or even hesitant about adopting. Let’s clear the air and replace those old stories with truth, compassion, and a little bit of lived experience.
Myth 1: “Adoption Is a One-Time Event”
Reality: Adoption isn’t a single day—it’s a lifelong relationship.
Gotcha Day or Finalization Day is important, but adoption continues every day as your child grows and asks new questions. Often, parents-in-waiting forget about what lifes looks like after placement. They lose sight of what the bigger picture looks like. Their understanding deepens over time, and so does yours. We talk about our child’s birth story often, in age-appropriate ways, because adoption is part of their identity, not just a date on the calendar.
Beyond dialogue, it’s ongoing education. It’s balancing boundaries and relationships with the birth family. It’s recognizing signs of trauma and finding ways to support the child throughout their lives. It’s an ongoing effort to see things beyond your own ego and putting your child’s needs first.
Myth 2: “Open Adoption Is Confusing for Kids”
Reality: Healthy openness gives children clarity and connection.
Research shows that kids with appropriate contact or communication with their birth families have stronger self-esteem and fewer unanswered questions. It’s not confusing to know where you came from—it’s reassuring.
Openness looks different for every family: sometimes it’s regular visits, other times it’s letters, texts, or shared photos.
Regardless, it provides clarity and understanding for your child. It is a way for your child to first-handendly see that they are still loved and cared for. Their birth family cares and wants to see them grow up well-adjusted and happy. They have a team of people rooting for them who care.
Myth 3: “Birth Parents will Try to Take Their Child Back”
Reality: Most birth parents choose adoption because they love their children.
Placing a child for adoption is rarely about a lack of love. It’s usually a courageous, heart-wrenching decision made out of care, not abandonment. Sharing that truth with our kids honors their birth parents and helps them feel whole.
Birth parents do not want an open adoption so that they can change their minds later. Open adoption is a way to provide affirmation to the family that their child is thriving— they made the hardest decision ever and a decision they don’t want to regret. It provides an opportunity for them to still have a connection with their child and to be available to answer questions and show ongoing love.
They are not looking to disrupt the child’s life. It’s not in the child’s best interest for them to uproot everything their child knows. Furthermore, they legally do not have the ability to do so. Their power, after severance, is to pray that the adoptive family holds up their end of the agreed upon terms for the open adoption.
Myth 4: “Adoptive Parents Are ‘Saviors’”
Reality: Adoption is about building family, not rescuing anyone.
The savior narrative centers adoptive parents and erases the loss and complexity adoption carries for everyone—especially the child. We didn’t “save” our child; we became their parents through a process that involved grief, love, and mutual commitment.
When people say, “It’s just so great that you were able to adopt your child. They are so lucky to have you.” we can see that they mean well. However, it’s important to help people reframe how they see the adoption. If anything, we are the lucky ones. We are the ones that have the privilege to be parents because a birth-mother made the hardest decision she will ever have to make.
It’s even more important for children to never be in a place where they should be obligated to feel grateful to be adopted or made to feel guilty because they don’t act appreciative. The child did not choose this and with adoption comes loss and love for the child and the birth other.
We are not saviors. We are blessed. We are the lucky ones. The birth mothers are the real saviors and the child is the one that needs to feel unconditionally loved and supported.
Myth 5: “Talking About Adoption Will Upset the Child”
Reality: Silence causes more harm than open conversations.
Kids need their story. If we avoid it, they fill in the blanks themselves, often with worries or self-blame. It’s crucial we control the narrative and frame their story in a way that children see their story as a story of love. That they are able to understand their history and grow up confident in who they are and where they come from.
Age-appropriate honesty—starting from the very beginning—helps children develop a secure sense of identity. Provide them with as many answers as possible and be willing to seek answers so children have a better understanding. Provide a safe place for your child to process their mixed emotions about their story and assure them it’s okay to have mixed emotions.
With adoption comes trauma. Your child will love you and recognize that you are the ones that offered safety and love. However, they may also have feelings of grief or loss of a family that once was or could have been. They need a safe place to talk about their lived experiences and how they feel.
Moving Toward Truth and Compassion
Busting these myths isn’t just about correcting strangers at the grocery store (though I’ve done that too). It’s about creating a culture where adopted children feel proud of their story, birth parents feel respected, and adoptive families feel supported—not judged or idealized.
Whether you’re an adoptive parent, a birth parent, or simply someone who loves a family touched by adoption, you can help. Use accurate language. Share stories that highlight complexity and love. And when you hear these myths, gently offer the truth.
Let’s keep this conversation going. Follow me on Instagram @OpenlyParenting or leave a comment below with the biggest adoption myth you’ve heard. Together we can build understanding—one honest conversation at a time.
