Boundaries: Clarity is Kindess
Boundaries can be really hard for some people— especially if you’re a people pleaser. With adoption, there comes the added layer of guilt, fear, and wanting to show gratitude. These feelings affect how we place boundaries and then how we stick to our boundaries.
In the beginning, it’s important to not over promise. Start with what you know you are comfortable with. It’s always better to under promise and over deliver. Communicate what these boundaries are. By communicating to the birth family what your plans and expectations are, you’re creating clarity. Without clarity, you may accidentally send mixed signals. There’s confusion and uneasiness. Nobody is quite sure if they’re stepping on toes, if this is okay or not okay, and resentments may accidentally start to form. With that clarity, now everyone is on the same page and knows how to move forward.
As you become more familiar with each other and adjust into your roles within this new family system, you may ease up. You may wish to connect more often and more casually. If that’s what the birth family wants as well, great! You also may gain new insights that make you create additional boundaries. That’s okay too. You have to do what’s in the best interest of your child.
The new boundaries can be implemented a variety of ways. Depending on the situation, they may require an explicit conversation in which you just state what is or isn’t working for your family and what you are and are not comfortable with. Another way they may get implemented is that you readjust how you respond to certain circumstances.
For example, perhaps you have a monthly scheduled time to video chat with the birth family and they have repeatedly cancelled on you and then asked to reschedule. Instead of being resentful of having to set aside a new time, you don’t. You simply let them know that unfortunately, you can’t talk tomorrow, you had set time aside for today. You can also say, “I guess we’ll just have to wait until next month.” This can be said in a kind and loving manner, but the point is that you are sticking to your monthly expectation and you’re setting the new boundary that you’re not going to reschedule X amount of times. We call this natural consequences. If they want to see your child, they’re going to have to show up at the agreed upon time.
The idea of enforcing boundaries can be scary. Confronting someone about a certain dynamic that isn’t working can bring forth anxiety. You don’t want to hurt any feelings or damage the relationship. You’re cognizant of all the feelings in volved and you’re trying to proceed accordingly. However, confrontation doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It’s just you speaking up and confronting the problem— you’re not sweeping anything under the rug.
This offers opportunity for dialogue and a way to better understand each other. If the conversation goes south, then it’s actually very informative. You now know if you can have a productive conversation with the person. You know how respectful they are going to be about your boundaries. You also gain insight into what boundaries may have to be forced and what boundaries may need to be implemented.
Even with our own friends and family we have to communicate when our feelings are hurt or what we need from them. This relationship is no different. Don’t let fear dictate how you implement and enforce your boundaries. You are now the parent and have to make decisions in the best interest of the child. You know what’s best and going on behind the scenes. Be kind, but be clear.
