Birth Mother Visits

A quick disclaimer before diving in: every adoption looks different, and that's especially true when it comes to visits with birth family. Boundaries, comfort levels, and dynamics vary widely from family to family — and that's exactly as it should be. First and foremost, honor what's true for your family and what your child needs.

What follows is simply my own experience, offered as a starting point for your own brainstorming — one example of how this can look if you're open to it, not a blueprint for how it should look.

Our First Weekend Stay

Flying Her In: Our Longest Visit Yet with Our Daughter's Birth Mother

During our last visit with my daughter's birth mother, we flew her in and had her stay with us for a long weekend. Up until now, we had only done short visits.

How Our Visits Evolved

In the beginning, we met in a neutral space halfway between us — usually a park. That felt easier. It gave her the chance to play with our daughter on the swings or go down the slide with her, building a connection of her own. From there, we'd have her family come over for a couple of hours. I always liked keeping visits short, so nobody got overwhelmed or overstimulated — we could all leave with a good experience behind us.

Later, we moved away, and our visits became inconsistent. We flew back once or twice and made a point to see them briefly during our trips. Then my daughter and I flew out to see the family for a weekend, staying in a hotel. If I'm being honest, I walked away exhausted. There were so many people, and I was "on" the whole time — it was a lot. I always loved seeing her birth mother, but I left feeling overwhelmed and depleted.

So this time, we offered to fly her birth mother out to us instead. Fewer people, more quality time, and we could move at a slower pace.

Planning the Visit

Before she came, I asked what she wanted to see. I wanted to give her a glimpse into our daughter's world. We planned to surprise her at school pickup, hosted a family brunch the next day, brought her along to a horseback riding lesson, and let her say goodbye at school drop-off.

I was nervous — we'd never had a visit this long, one-on-one, with her staying in our house. I wanted her to feel comfortable the whole time, but I also didn't know what emotions might come up for me. I worried about how I'd fill the downtime. Should we plan more outings?

The Best Part Was the Downtime

Honestly, my favorite part of the visit was the unplanned time. She got to see what "normal" looks like for us — cuddles on the couch, playing Barbies, real conversation with our daughter. It gave us the chance to talk, learn more about each other, and get on the same page about how to answer our daughter's questions.

At one point, she showed us ultrasound pictures on her phone — something I've never had. I've never been able to give my daughter the pregnancy stories, the details of how much she wiggled. My daughter was thrilled to see those photos.

The Emotions I Wasn't Expecting

I'll be honest — this also stirred up some raw emotions in me, which I ended up confessing to her birth mother after our daughter went to bed. I was so happy that, together, we could give our daughter these puzzle pieces of her story. At the same time, it touched the wound of not being able to carry her myself — not experiencing that pregnancy firsthand. Those feelings are normal and valid. And even though they come up in open adoption, the relationship is still worth it. It helps me grieve, recognize what I didn't know I was still carrying, and give my daughter pieces of her story I couldn't offer alone. It also brought me closer to her birth mother — being able to acknowledge the hard truths on both sides. It felt strange to admit this, given how blessed I am to be raising our daughter. But the feelings were there regardless.

Watching Her Show Her Off

Watching my daughter show her birth mother off to the people in her life was genuinely fun. There's enough love to go around — we're not in competition. I'm not even sure my daughter fully understands the dynamics yet. Right now, she knows her birth mother is significant. She knows what she's been told on the surface. But I don't think it's fully landed internally. She was just excited to have someone else who loved her, there and present — someone who wanted to hear her stories and play with her, who showed up just for her.

Saying Goodbye

This goodbye wasn't as emotional as past ones. I think it's because there were fewer unknowns this time. My daughter is getting older — she can advocate for herself if she wants to see her birth mother, and she's past the stranger-danger phase, so there's no awkwardness in warming up to her. It was such a good experience that we know we want to make this a regular thing. And it ended with the two of us binge-watching Ted Lasso — so really, how could anyone walk away from that without a smile.

The Takeaway

Open adoption is hard. You have to sit with hard feelings and get over your own ego. But then you also have to step back and see how special it is. Our daughter has so many people who love her. She has answers to questions a lot of adoptees don't get. She can piece together her identity with more clarity and more confidence in who she is. I'm so thankful her birth mother was willing to fly out and stay with us, and I'm grateful we get to keep building this relationship.