Thinking About an Open Adoption?
**Disclaimer: I only can speak from my experience of adopting through a private adoption agency. This involved an arrangement in which the birth parents came to the conclusion on their own and placed their child with us. Adopting from the foster system will have its own caveats. However, I believe there is still enough overlap to understand the benefits of open adoption and connection with the birth family (given the right circumstances and it’s in the best interest of the child).**
But What if?
When we told people we were going to have an open adoption, the first response we usually got was, “Oh I could never! Aren’t you afraid the mom is going to try to take the baby back?!”
There are a lot of misconceptions around adoption and the idea of the mother being able to take the baby back is one of them. I want to emphasize that we went through a private adoption agency. In cases like ours, birth mothers are wanting an open adoption so they can have affirmation over the years that they made the best decision for their child. So, that just isn’t typically the case. Birth mothers want to see their child thriving in the home they chose for them. They want to see the child happy and living their best life because that just gives them confidence they made the best choice.
Open arrangements look different for each family and ultimately, the control lies in the hands of the adoptive parents. Yes, you can agree, in writing, that you will send pictures monthly and have annual visits. However, if the adoptive parents no longer deem it as in the best ineterest of the child, then there’s not much the birth mother can do. The birth mother is vulnerable when she is choosing the right parents for her baby. She has to pray to God that the adoptive parents hold up their end of the bargain because once she signs over her rights, she really has no power any longer.
One our case workers advised us to not promise anything to the birth mother that we don’t intend on keeping. She said this simply for the matter that our child will grow up one day and if she finds out we made these empty promises, we’ll come out looking like the bad guys. So, only agree to what you’re comfortable agreeing to.
In our arrangement, we have a shared photo album that all of the family is on and some close friends (my family, my husband’s family, and the birth family). I have worked really hard to just make it feel cohesive. We’re one unit. One family. There’s no taboos. There are no questions that are off-limits. Additionally, the birth family sends gifts and letters to our house and we will do meet ups once in a while (it was more often when we lived in the same state). We text as we see fit, and occasionally FaceTime but not often. It may look differently down the road; but for now, this works for us.
So Why Do It?
In short, it’s for the best interest of the child.
It’s easy to let your insecurities and fears seep in. You want to put all your walls up. You’ve wanted this baby for so long and you don’t want anything intercepting your sacred bubble. You now are the proud parents of this precious child and you want to keep that baby safe and sound. However, they are going to grow up feeling those walls. They’re going to feel the insecurities and the hesitancy to talk about where they come from — leaving them feeling disconnected to a piece of their identity.
With all of that being said, our connection to the birth family has been tremendously helpful when it comes to raising our daughter. First of all, I have access to family medical history that I wouldn’t have access to normally. If I have questions, I’m able to follow up and ask them. Fun fact: did you know there is a genetic correlation to potty training age? I was able to reach out and ask when they were potty trained and then adjust my expectations accordingly.
As time has gone on, I’ve suspected that my daughter might have ADHD. I’ve been able to reach out to the family and figure out what that looked like in her birth parents, when it started to manifest, and how it was managed. Additionally, because I know of my daughter’s background and the background to her birth parents, I have an idea of other things that may influence her development.
Next, in addition to medical history, I have access to my daughter’s lineage. Her birth mother shares pictures with me of what she looked like at my daughter’s age and I’m able to save those for my daughter. I get pictures of grandparents and extended family and these are all puzzle pieces to my daughter’s story. There’s a very good chance that one day, my daughter is going to want to know who she looks like and where she comes from. There’s nothing wrong with that. I would want to know to. Because we have an open adoption, we have access to that information.
Lastly, by having an open adoption we have minimized the chances of our daughter feeling abandoned. Now, I don’t have entire control over how my daughter writes her story but I can certainly help. I get to help write the narrative that adoption was a choice made out of love. We talk about her adoption story regularly and we discuss how her birth mom was sad to say goodbye because she loved her so much but she knew she was going to have the best parents ever. We explain to her that she still wants to see her grow up because she still loves her so much. We also reiterate every time we tell her her story how lucky she is to have so many people to love her.
Parenting is sacrifice. In an open adoption, you have to sacrifice your ego and put your child’s interests first. You have to think about what is going to benefit them in the long run and will help them grow up to be the most well-adjusted person they can be. The boundaries you place initially can change over time. As you grow more confident in the dynamic, it’s very likely the boundaries will change naturally. Keep in mind, there’s trepidation on the birth mother’s side as well — trying to not step on toes but still forge a connection.
