Healthy Boundaries
Let’s be honest. There’s not a lot of people who understand open adoption. Although it’s becoming the more common route for adoptions, it’s still very misunderstood. Our parents lead with fear and are protective of us; as do our friends. The idea of blurred lines or any sort of connection with the birth family scares them. If there’s any sort of conflict it’s easy for them to say, “Cut them off!”
But that’s the thing… there’s more to it than that. There’s emotions involved for all parties. You’re trying to be cognizant of all of that. You’re trying to balance and navigate your own comfort with what your child needs in the future. You’re thankful to the birth family for choosing you. How do you show your gratitude while still implementing healthy boundaries?
Boundaries are important — regardless of who they are with. We have boundaries with our own parents, friends and colleagues. It’s no different with the birth family. You need to establish what your comfortable with and you need to communicate your expectations clearly. Clarity is kindness. Keep in mind, your boundaries can change over time. You realize you may be more comfortable than you thought or you may realize there needs to be a little bit more space than you originally thought.
When we started going through the process, a case worker of ours advised us to not promise anything we didn’t plan on holding true to. You don’t want your child to grow up to find out that you made a bunch of empty promises. So it’s important to determine what you’re comfortable with and ensuring that aligns with the birth family. Being on the same is important for an easier adoption experience. Adoptions all look different — some only send pictures and letters, some allow visits, some have weekly family dinners and get together, some families only correspond once a year. What are you comfortable with and willing to give? Keep in mind you’re doing all of this for your child.
It’s okay for you to place time constraints and a frequency limit for yourself. It’s okay for you to say no if you don’t want to get together or if you’re not comfortable. You are allowed to create space for yourself. Despite the fact that you are grateful to the family, don’t commit to things that will build up resentment and interfere with a positive relationship. However, I encourage you to ask yourself why you are saying no? Is it because your nervous about your child bonding with them? Are you nervous of emotions the get together will evoke? Or are you saying no because you don’t have the energy to be “on” as frequently as they’d like. Does your schedule just make it difficult and you have a lot you’re already juggling?
For us, we send some pictures to her directly that are special and then we upload photos to a shared album that our friends and family were on. In my eyes, this creates a dynamic that shows her she’s part of the family and our inner circle — she’s getting equal access (and then some). When it comes to visits, I have kept them short. When we lived nearby, we typically met at a park — neutral territory that made it easier to leave when our time was up. As we got more familiar with each other, the visits got a little longer. We’ve had some home visits and my daughter and I even flew out to visit them. Regardless, I ensure the visits are structured around my comfort level and what I’m able and willing to give.
In these early years, my main goal has been to keep everything copasetic until my daughter can advocate for herself what it is that she wants. If she wants more time with the birth family, I’ll accommodate accordingly. However, there may be a chance where she doesn’t want to be fussed over or the obligation to be “on” and may ask to skip a visit. If that’s the case, I’ll take the blame and plan around her preference.
I want the door open for my daughter to have a meaningful connection with her birth family so she has access to questions I cannot answer. I want her to know who she is and where she came from. But I never want her to feel like this connection is forced upon her or an obligation. And her interest may ebb and flow.
When in doubt, under promise and over deliver. As you become more comfortable and build a better relationship, you may find yourself wanting to connect more often. I do know of instances of it going the other way — learning more information that makes you want to create distance. Therefore I repeat: under promise and over deliver. At the end of the day, you know what’s best for you and your family.
