Anxious Parenting: Learning to Let Them Fall
As parents, it’s incredibly hard to watch our kids take risks that could result in them getting hurt. We wants what’s best for our children and we hate to see them hurt — emotionally and physically. However, it’s those experiences that truly help our children learn resilience. Through negative experiences, children learn their limits. They build a tolerance for frustrations and it promotes problem solving skills.
If you haven’t read The Anxious Generation, I highly recommend it. Jonathan Haidt makes the case that kids learn their own limits through free, independent play: the scraped knees, the neighborhood wandering, the figuring-it-out-with-other-kids stuff. Somewhere along the way, so many of us (myself included) got worried about everything that could go wrong that we started to skip a lot of those "normal" childhood experiences. The book is a great reminder of what's on the other side of that fear: kids who are more confident, more capable, and more comfortable in the world.
Loosening the Grip: Small Ways to Let Your Kids Rise to It
Watching your kid take a risk is hard. Every parent instinct says catch them, fix it, make it easier. We love our kids, and we hate seeing them hurt, physically or emotionally.
But some of the best things our kids learn come from the wobbly, uncomfortable, "I don't know if I can do this" moments. That's where they build frustration tolerance, learn their own limits, and figure out how to solve problems.
First, a confession
I probably parent on the far end of the "lax" spectrum. My daughter is naturally nervous, so I've had to be really intentional about not voicing my own worries over every little thing. If I get anxious, her fear gets louder. So I pick my moments carefully.
This isn't about careless parenting. It's about noticing where we could step back a little.
The Good Fall
My daughter is learning to ride her bike, and it's been a journey to get her confident and motivated. Now that she's getting the hang of it, she's started trying "tricks," like taking one hand off the handlebars.
Honestly? It makes me nervous. I know she should master control first. But I sit back and let her try. She wobbles, corrects, and figures out she's not ready yet. She's gone too fast and skidded out. She's fallen and cried. And I tell her, "You're okay. That was a good fall. Now you know what to work on." We dust off, and she gets back on.
If I corrected every move, it wouldn't be fun for her. She'd feel micromanaged and afraid of doing it wrong.
No Step Stool
Another day I encouraged her to climb the tree in our front yard. She wanted a step stool. I said no. Part of climbing a tree is figuring out how to climb the tree.
She stared at it for a while, then found a way to grip the branch and walk her feet up the trunk. The pride on her face was unreal. Getting down was scarier, but with a little encouragement she jumped, and she learned she's more capable than she thought.
I could have solved both problems for her. I'd have taken away the best part.
Why bother?
When we let kids dodge everything that makes them anxious, the scary thing just gets scarier. Parenting out of fear doesn't keep the harm away. It hands the fear to our kids.
(If you haven't read The Anxious Generation, it's a great deep dive into how independent play helps kids learn their limits, and what happens when we take that away.)
Where could you loosen your grip? A brainstorm
You don't need a big, dramatic parenting overhaul. Try picking one:
Out in the world
Let them order their own meal at a restaurant.
Send them to the register with the item they want to buy. You can wait by the exit and watch.
Have them call a business to ask a question, like store hours.
Let them ask a stranger for help, like where to find something at the store.
In the neighborhood
Let them walk down the street to ask if a friend can play.
Let them ride ahead on the bike path (within your line of sight).
At home
Let them get their own snack, pour their own water, or pack their own bag.
Let them try the hard thing before you offer a step stool (literal or metaphorical).
Let them tackle a stuck zipper, a tangled necklace, or a puzzle for five extra minutes before you jump in.
In their relationships
When there's a squabble, ask "What do you think you could do?" before you referee.
Let them practice saying "I don't like that" or "Please stop."
Let them work out a compromise with a sibling or friend.
A few things to say instead of jumping in
"What's your plan?"
"That looked scary. You did it anyway."
"You're okay. What did you learn?"
"I'll be right here if you need me."
Let it start with you
Yes, the world can feel really scary. But we won't always be there. Will our kids know what to do? Will they speak up for themselves, ask for help, and go for new adventures?
It has to start somewhere. Let it start with you.
