Meeting Your Child Where They Are

Letting Go of the "Shoulds": Meeting Your Child Where They Actually Are

It's really easy to get wrapped up in where you feel your child should be and what society says they should be capable of. Beyond society, you carry your own hopes and expectations, wanting your child to have some of the same experiences you did. And then you find yourself disappointed when they just aren't meeting those expectations.

All children develop differently, and it's worth letting go of society's expectations around what that development should look like. Some standards are ridiculously high, and they put pressure on both the child and the parent. As long as your child isn't showing delays that require additional support, give yourself and your child some grace.

Stop worrying about the "shoulds," and instead give your child what they actually need for where they are right now.

When My Own "Shoulds" Got in the Way

Recently, I got frustrated, and my heart hurt a little for my daughter. It was summer break, and I found myself thinking this should be the season where routines get more flexible. She should be able to stay up later. Play at friends' houses longer. Have more freedom and let go a little. I run such strict routines during the school year that I felt like I should loosen up in the summer.

Notice all the shoulds in that paragraph. Says who? Those were my own personal beliefs, and they didn't actually work for my child. I usually don't let her go to a friend's house after school or camp, because she's too tired by then to self-regulate. But I decided to let go of that rule for the summer. It did not go well. She melted down when it was time to leave, and handling that extra freedom was simply beyond what she could manage in that moment. Maybe I had more freedom at her age. But I'm not my daughter. My daughter needs structure. She needs routine and sleep for her brain to function well.

Finding the Middle Ground

So how do I give her a carefree summer within her actual limits? I started looking for the right days instead of forcing every day to look the same. On a Saturday with no other plans, after a good night's sleep, she's rested and regulated. That's when I let her run down the street to a friend's house, bounce between yards, and get into normal summer shenanigans. She still gets unstructured play and freedom. It just happens on a day her nervous system can actually handle it.

I had to let go of my expectations of what she "should" be able to handle, and what other kids her age are doing. Instead, I focus on what she's actually capable of, what helps her succeed, and what helps her feel safe.

What This Can Look Like

Sometimes that means noise cancelling headphones at an outing, even if the other kids there don't need them to feel in control. Sometimes it means she holds my hand a little longer while other kids run off independently. It might mean an earlier bedtime, more structured meals, or timers and reminders to help her check in with her body and stay focused. Whatever it is, the goal is letting go of how everyone else is doing it and recognizing this is simply where my child is right now.

Milestones on Their Own Timeline

Your child will hit their milestones at their own pace. Giving them what they need, when they need it, helps them feel safe and secure. It lets them venture into the world on their own timing instead of being pressured into someone else's, which in turn helps them listen to their own bodies while still building autonomy and connection with their peers.

Whether your child needs more support or more freedom, give them what they actually need. There's no shame in it. We'd want the same grace extended to us as adults.