Consequences & Using Love and Logic
When it comes to setting boundaries for your children, I’m a firm believer in Love and Logic (if you haven’t heard of Love and Logic I highly recommend you looking into books, YouTube videos, or their website). This is something I used as a teacher and now frequently use as a parent.
The whole idea of Love and Logic is to raise responsible, respectful kids by giving them empathy, choices, and the chance to learn from their own mistakes in a safe and loving way. The key to it being successful is remaining consistent and calm. Now, we are human. Sometimes we let our own emotions get in the way and that’s okay. The key is that you do your best to stay calm and collected.
Empathy First
The first step when responding to your child’s misbehavior is to lead with calm, caring statements rather than anger or lectures. This keeps the relationship strong and prevents power struggles.
For example, you told your child to bring a jacket with them because it’s chilly outside. Because you were in a rush you didn’t notice they didn’t listen to you. Fast forward, and they’re complaining about being cold. Instead of yelling at them and lecturing about how they should have listened, a better response is, “Awww….bummer. I hate being cold.” (“Bummer” is a go-to phrase of mine when they are upset. That, and sympathetically saying “I know.”)
For example, “That’s not fair!” “Aww.. I know.”
“But now I can’t go to Charlie’s house.” “Aww… bummer.”
The key is to not get pulled into a fight. Stay calm and don’t argue back. Don’t engage and reason with your child. If you have to say anything, just repeat yourself over and over like a broken record until they give in. “You need to bring a jacket.” — But I don’t wanna! “You need to bring a jacket.” — But it’s not even that cold outside. “You need to bring your jacket.” Eventually, they will get tired of you repeating yourself and they will just grab a jacket to get you to stop.
Another thing that you can say, calmly, is “Try that again.” So if they slam their door you can ask them to try that again. You can become a broken record until they show you how to gently close the door. If they storm off to their room stomping up the stairs you can ask them to come back and try again. Again, you can have them come back and do it however many times it takes for them to walk up the stairs regularly.
2. Natural Consequences
Instead of trying to come up with a punishment, you allow the natural consequences to do the teaching. It’s important that the consequences your child faces are directly related to the action. Otherwise, they won’t learn. Remember that consequences can be good or bad depending on the action.
In the previous scenario, the natural consequence is that your child now gets to be cold because they didn’t bring a jacket. If you let your child borrow your jacket or you drive back home to get a jacket, they have now learned that if they don’t listen, you’ll fix the problem anyways. Instead, let them be cold. They’ll survive and the colder they are the more they’ll remember a jacket next time.
Let’s look at some other scenarios:
Your child threw a tantrum when you asked them to get off their iPad. Next time they ask, they don’t get to use the device because they can’t seem to handle getting off it.
Your child got upset and knocked over a bucket of legos. Now, they get to clean it up — by themselves.
Your child chose not to eat their dinner. Now, they’ll be hungry. They said they weren’t hungry any more so they don’t need snacks or dessert either. I promise you they will be fine until morning.
Your child lied about getting their homework done so they could play with a friend. Next time, they will not be trusted to go to a friend’s house and will have to show you their homework when it is complete. Even when it is complete, because they lost your trust they will have to find something else to do.
Sometimes the natural consequence isn’t so easy to identify. You don’t have to come up with consequences on the spot. When they ask what the consequences are you can say, “I don’t know. Let me think about it.” Waiting to find out about the consequence can be it’s own form of punishment as it is. Additionally, there are scenarios where you find yourself pulled into an argument with them and you’re tired of fighting. A natural consequence can be as easy as, “I’ve spent all my energy fighting with you that I no longer have energy to clean the bathrooms. You are going to have to clean the bathrooms, now.”
3. Choices Within Limits & Control
An easy way to prevent arguments is giving your child a sense of control in the situation. Provide them options (that you can live with). The options have to reasonable. Telling them to either get their shoes now or your not going on the already-paid for trip to Disney Land isn’t going to land well when they decide they don’t want to put their shoes on. Don’t make them call your bluff.
Instead, offer them a choice:
“We need to leave! Would you like to put your right shoe on first or your left shoe?”
“Do you want to leave the park in 2 minutes or 4 minutes?”
“Do you want to wear your jacket or carry it with you?”
“Do you want to clean the bathrooms or vacuum the house?”
The idea is that you not only give them a sense of control but a chance to be independent as well. You offer them chances to be self-sufficient and build their confidence. When you’re able to avoid an argument, you also strengthen your relationship with your child because your interactions are more positive.
Love and Logic is supposed to give you a sense of control back in your relationship. Getting sucked into fights and having to manage misbehaviors is exhausting. If you’re able to sidestep it and prevent some of the arguments then you’re automatically winning. You can catch yourself engaging in an argument and still pull yourself out of it. I have found myself arguing with my daughter why she needs to go to the bathroom before we leave, and then I stop myself. I flip a switch, and become a broken record.
Nobody is perfect. I still lose my control and get frustrated. There are times when I forget to utilize the tools. However, my redeeming quality is that I can then go back to my daughter and apologize for how I handled it. I model taking accountability and apologizing. I can then calmly tell her what the natural consequence is or simply model how we can hit the “reset button” and just try again.
