Parenting an Anxious Child
When your child runs higher on the anxious side than most, it can be incredibly exhausting. You’re on high alert checking in on your child and trying to manage their anxiety while also doing whatever needs to get done. Here’s a few things you can try…
Prep Your Child
Before you do an activity or go to a place that makes your child anxious, walk your child through what they can expect and allow them to talk about any of their concerns. Telling your child the plan and explicitly going into detail what they can anticipate can be helpful for your worried little one. They feel prepared and you can provide any reassurance they need that they will be okay.
Sometimes, I will pull up YouTube videos or pictures online to provide a visual aid for my child so she knows what to expect. For example, when she started swim lessons I pulled up videos of swim lessons in a rec center. I pointed out where the parents would sit and how many kids she could expect in her class. I showed her how there were other kids her age learning the same things and pointed out how much fun they were having. I reminded her that there would be a teacher there and life guards to ensure she was safe. We also discussed phrases she can use to voice how she is feeling to the teacher (“I’m feeling scared”, “I’m feeling frustrated”, or “I need a break”).
There’s a whole Daniel Tiger episode about preparing for things that make you nervous like going to the doctor or the dentist. Reading books about those experiences, watching shows about it, or drawing pictures gives them time to prepare for the event.
Don’t Prep Your Child
Contrary to the above suggestion, sometimes the exact opposite is more beneficial (this is a trial and error sort of thing). What I have noticed, depending on the circumstance, is that sometimes too much preparation gives my child the opportunity to dwell on it (the new word of the year is perseverate). My daughter can become fixated on the upcoming event and her anxiety kicks into gear.
The dread and the increased anxiety makes her more upset and her stomach can become upset. So, sometimes simply surprising her and providing her reassurance when we show up somewhere is a better alternative. They still may be nervous and you can then walk them through what to expect, but now they have had less time to overthink things.
Give them Tools
When my daughter is anxious, we sometimes have her wear “magic oil.” It is a roll-on calming essential oil. Does it actually do anything? I’m not so sure. But she thinks so, and I’m all for the Placebo Effect. We tell her that when she gets nervous she can sniff her wrists and remember that the magic oil will keep her safe. You can also use some sort of “magic spray” that keeps monsters away, or whatever is making them nervous.
Sometimes, loud sounds can be overwhelming. So, we have noise-cancelling ear phones for her. This allows her to feel like she has some protection and control over the volume, and that little bit of control allows her to push past her anxiety. When we’re in the loud environment, sometimes I’ll have her test taking them off so she can see it’s not so scary. For her, it’s all in her head and when she’s actually there and in the midst of everything it’s not so bad.
Be in the Present and Breathe
This is something we can all do better. When your child starts fixating on what is to come, bring them back to the present. “We’re not thinking about that right now. We’re focusing on what’s happening now. Right now, you’re with Mom. You’re in your bed. You have your cozy blankets. Mom is rubbing your back. You are safe.” Bringing their attention back to the present helps them reset where they are investing their energy. They can focus on their current feeling of safety and reassurance rather than dwelling on the unknown and the future — something they have no control over.
In conjunction, making your child take deep breaths can slow down their nervous system. In through the nose….out through the mouth. You can use your fingers as a guide by tracing around each finger. Up the finger you breathe in, down the finger you breathe out.
You can also do the “Rainbow Technique” that makes them focus on the now. Find something in the room that is red. Now, find something in the room that is orange… and so on. This allows them to think about their current environment and distracts them from their anxious thoughts. This is great to do when you are in a waiting room of a doctor’s office or in the car on the way to an event.
Respect their Boundaries/Pick your Battles
Once again, it’s all a balancing act. Sometimes, they have to do the scary things and there’s no way around it. They can’t avoid everything and they are going to have to suck it up (hence the previous strategies). However, when there are opportunities, it’s okay to let them move at their own pace. If they are nervous about the deep end of the pool and want to stick to the steps, so be it. There’s a good chance, with time, they’ll slowly test the waters — figuratively and literally.
When these times occur, it also provides a good opportunity for you to discuss listening to your body. You can even offer praise to them for listening to their bodies and knowing they don’t feel ready yet. It’s okay to do things in their own time.
Address what that anxious feeling is telling them and why. “When we feel anxious sometimes we get butterflies in our stomach or we get stomaches. Sometimes our chest feels tighter. That’s our body trying to keep us safe and sometimes we need to listen to our bodies.” You can even go as far as having them name that feeling as if it were a friend. For example, my daughter has named her anxiety Bruno, like from the movie Luca. Any time she notices her stomach is becoming upset, she will say out loud, “Bruno, I’m okay.” We thank Bruno for trying to keep us safe.
As is everything in parenting, it’s all trial and error. You have to determine what works for you. Don’t worry about what anybody else has to say — you know your child and what they need. I personally find it important to expose my child to some of the scary things and force her to see that she’s safe. Sometimes this involves making a big scene with her screaming and crying. People may look at me like I’m torturing my child. But after she’s through the thick of it, she kind of giggles to herself and sees it wasn’t a big deal. This is essentially a form of Behavioral Exposure Therapy (BET). Other times, I try to honor her anxieties and give her all the hand-holding and hugs she needs to get through it. It depends on the activity and what I know she can or cannot handle.
If the anxiety seems uncontrollable and that it is constantly consuming your child, I highly recommend speaking to your pediatrician about it. They will able to tell you if the anxiety they are experiencing is abnormal for their age or if it is developmentally appropriate. Remember, you are your child’s advocate.
