Adoption and Trauma
I don’t want to scare off parents who are considering adoption. However, it’s important to realize that with adoption comes trauma. Even if you adopt your child at birth, there will still be trauma. I highly recommend reading The Body Keeps the Score as it is insightful to how our bodies hold onto trauma even if we can’t remember the experience (great book for your own personal growth as well). In the book it is also theorized that babies can experience trauma in utero. So, if the birth mother was in any sort of toxic environment (stressful, chaotic, abusive) — that stress can be passed down to the child. Simply the being detached from the birth mother can be traumatic.
If we think about our own selves, we all have our own traumas. Some traumas are more significant than others but there’s a reason that people often agree about the fact that we could all benefit from therapy — regardless of who you are.
So, when you think about what adoption is, it makes sense trauma would come. Adoption is severance from the birth mother and placement with a new family. This can disrupt attachments and it can affect how children view themselves in regards to identity and understanding their own story. The crazy thing is that we don’t typically think about this small little details. We think because the child seems happy-go-lucky or because you are a nurturing parent and that they are growing up in a happy and healthy home, they should be fine. Because they weren’t abused or exposed to anything, they wouldn’t have trauma. That’s simply not the case.
Trauma can also manifest itself in a variety of ways. My daughter is highly anxious. She is extremely easygoing, happy-go-lucky, and very outgoing. My daughter has such an infectious energy and people typically wouldn’t guess she has anxiety. She will talk to any stranger, and we love that about her. What we also know is that overly extroverted behavior is a common trauma response — seeking validation and love from strangers. It’s okay for her to be extroverted, and I don’t want to take that away from her, but I do need to teach her healthy boundaries and a little bit of caution around strangers.
My daughter was not abused. She was not exposed to substances or anything of that sort. But there is still a bit of trauma that we need to be aware of. Trauma can be generational. It can happen in utero. And trauma, of course, can happen post partum. The chances for trauma manifesting itself in more obvious ways increases when a child is adopted at an older age. What’s also important to be aware of is that trauma can manifest in ways that appear to be anxiety and/or ADHD (I’m sure it can manifest in other ways but I can’t speak to that). It’s hard to know if your child has ADHD and/or trauma because they both look like each other.
This is not something you automatically need to seek treatment for, but it is something to be aware of. If you notice that your child runs on the anxious side or struggles focusing more than the average child their age, it may not hurt talking to your pediatrician or a pediatric therapist. It’s important to mention to the medical professional that your child was adopted and maybe even ask explicitly if things can be looked at through a trauma lens. I do think having a therapist on hand is a great idea so that you have someone to refer to as your child grows up and tries to make sense of their story.
Some children adjust with ease and simple conversations about their adoption story is enough. Other children may struggle more and may have more triggers. As your child grows, just pay attention and keep it in the back of your mind that there may be more going on than meets the eye. It can never hurt to ask a professional’s advice and then move forward accordingly. And also remember, just because your child may be struggling with trauma, it is not a reflection of how you are as a parent. Despite how loving and nurturing you are, your child may just need extra support.
