Scary Emotions that are Normal

Parenting is hard. Becoming a parent was hard. We’ve wanted to be parents for so long. We‘ve had to jump through so many hoops to make it actually happen. We should be grateful to have this child and should appreciate every moment we have with our child.

That’s how it feels…right?

But you’re going to have the same emotions that every parent has — frustration, tiredness, overstimulation, irritability, hopelessness, etc. We feel guilty for feeling this way because of how much work it took to bring this child home. However, you’re human. Parenting is not for the weak. Of course you’re going to get frustrated. There’s a reason they tell you, “don’t shake a baby.” It’s because you’re going to want to shake the baby. The fact that you feel guilty for feeling this way already means you’re parenting right. It already shows how much you are trying to be enough for your child.

I don’t mean to bring doom and gloom, but when I meet expectant parents or new parents I always tell them of these feelings that will come about. Nobody talks about it, but these feelings are very common. However, because no one talks about them, you feel like a horrible person for having such dark thoughts. But you’re not horrible. These negative emotions are normal. So, when you find yourself crying in the shower or doubting if you should have become a parent, please please please remember these are normal thoughts.

I remember shortly after we adopted that I got frustrated that my daughter would not go to sleep. I had kept her schedule, she was fed, bathed, changed and it was time for bed. However, after doing all the rocking and singing and shhh-ing she was still wide awake. In fact, it felt like she was taunting me. She’d tap my shoulder with her cute fingers or wiggle her toes. She’d throw a little fuss or whine in there any time I tried to put her down. It was like she was making a point to say, “Ha ha. I’m still awake…” and it would drive me crazy. I remember thinking I just wanted to spike her like a football in frustration. Immediately, that thought was followed with What kind of mother thinks things like that? What did we do — maybe I’m not fit to be a mother? She’s just a baby and she’s acting like a baby. Why am I so angry and so frustrated?!

I’m human. I was tired. I felt like I had done all the things you’re supposed to do and yet it wasn’t working. I didn’t have any control over the situation and I was filled with frustration. I had to remember the joke, “they don’t tell you you’re gonna wanna shake that baby.” I had to remind myself that that joke exists because it’s a common thought and that I’m not an awful person for thinking that. Did I shake my baby? No.

Give yourself some grace. If all of the baby’s needs have been met and you find yourself getting frustrated, take a break and walk away. If they cry, it’s okay because you know they are fed and changed and will survive. Just because you have these feelings does not mean you are an unfit parent. Birth parent or adoptive parent… parenting is a hard job!