Not Just the Birth Parents
When you agree to an open adoption, typically you are signing up for an open adoption with the birth parents (sometimes it’s the grandparents or whomever). At least, that’s what your envisioning. However, we often forget that those parents have invested family members who may or may not want to be involved as well. This is entirely up to you and goes back to your boundaries. Some of these relationships may be healthier than others and you get to choose who you want to connect with. Just remember, you can only control so much.
For example, we have a great relationship with our daughter’s birth mother. When we adopted our daughter, we anticipated the key connections that we would be invested with were the birth mother and the grandmother. We knew there were other family members who had the opportunity to love on our daughter, but our open adoption was primarily with the birth mother.
I know that for the birth mother, she wanted her family members to still have an opportunity to connect with our daughter. Fortunately for us, the way in which they wanted to connect was subtle. When we received a box of gifts for her birthday from her birth mother, an extra gift may have been included from an aunt or a cousin. That was fine. Sometimes we would FaceTime when the birth mother was with her cousins and I was happy to oblige. However, I do know that for other adoptions there are people who want to be included that either aren’t healthy to be around or are overbearing and need to be kept out of the equation.
You get to decide how you want to invest your energy and what’s best for your child. You are your child’s only advocate. If you feel like some family members or friends may not be the healthiest for your child to be around, for whatever reason, then place your boundaries accordingly. As I also mentioned before, your boundaries can change. Over time you may learn new information (for better or for worse) that will have you reconsidering how you navigate those dynamics.
Initially, the grandmother was incredibly involved in our open adoption. We made an effort to let her be apart of the picture and be involved because, after all, she was family. However, over time, our feelings about the relationship have shifted. We have come to a point where we recognize that we cannot maintain the type of relationship the grandmother wants to have. Thus, we have drawn a new boundary for her. That’s okay. This boundary is different that the boundaries I have with the birth mother. I also have to recognize that I cannot control how the birth mother and grandmother interact when I’m not present and as long as it doesn’t affect us and our daughter, I’m not going to worry about it.
As I said before, some relationships are healthier than others. It’s okay for you to say you only want a connection with the birth parents. Make that intention and expectation clear from the beginning. Clarity is kindness. I know that we often feel guilty or obligated to bend our own sense of comfort because we’re so grateful for our child. However, you can’t let those feelings cloud your judgement on the best and healthiest way to move forward. Who do you want to be around your child? Who are you willing to invest your energy in? And, who do you want to keep at arm’s length?
