Attachment & Bonding
When we first adopted our daughter, I had this overwhelming concern of how do I know what attachment feels like? I didn’t birth this child. I never received the flood of hormones your body produces so that you attach to the child properly. There was so much stress about making sure you connect with the child and being their safe space.
My daughter was placed with us when she was 6.5 months old. We were very intentional about forming a positive relationship, safe, secure attachment with her. We did skin to skin contact and we answered her cries as best we could. Our daughter attached to us quickly. She was quick to recognize that we were her safe place and could easily be comforted when we answered her call.
For me, it wasn’t as fast. I immediately loved her and cared for her. But, this natural ability to pick my child’s cry out of a room or know innately what she needed took a bit of time. And for that, I felt like a horrible mom. I wondered how I would know when I was truly attached to my child and what does it mean that I’m not attached yet. The crazy thing about attachment is that you can’t pinpoint when you are attached. And what I also discovered is that this isn’t an adoption-specific experience.
After opening up to a variety of mothers, I found out that birth mothers also struggle with attachment. One mother said it took her a year to truly attach to her son because life was so chaotic when she gave birth. Like all of us, she loved her son — but she didn’t feel as connected to her son as she did when she had her daughter. Other mothers mentioned that they would look down at their child and, of course love their child, but they just saw a baby that they are now responsible for. There wasn’t this automatic click for them.
I think one of the things that can get in the way of attachment is your own personal adjustment to suddenly being a parent. One minute you’re just adulting the best you can, and the next minute you are now responsible for this precious little life. You knew your world was going to flip upside down, but you didn’t understand what that meant until you were thrown into the midst of it all. This involves sleep schedules, babysitters, and just more restrictions. You have less freedom and you may or may not be grieving your old life and your old identity. That' doesn’t mean you’re an awful person. That doesn’t mean you’re not excited for this new chapter of your life. It just takes time to adjust to the new normal.
Attachment comes whether you are biologically related or not. The important thing to do is to keep loving that child and showing up for that child. It may take a minute for our energies to align but if you don’t feel like you’ve properly attached to your child (whatever that means), you are not a horrible person. You are now a parent for a reason and that special bond and sacred attachment will come.
