Unexpected Comments
**Before I get started, it’s important to note is that we are a transracial family — we adopted a child who is a different ethnicity than we are. Therefore, I can only speak to my own experience as a white mother of a mixed daughter (she’s got a little bit of everything in her so we call her “our quilt”).**
Before we adopted, we were warned at an adoption conference that people will make comments to you and you will be surprised what people feel is appropriate to say. My number one take away from the conference was to be mindful of your answers — your child will be listening to how you respond.
The most common question we get is, “Is she yours?” The answer to the question is simple, “yes.” I don’t need to follow it up with “— but she’s adopted.” I don’t want my daughter hearing me have to explain or justify why she is mine. There’s no caveat to where she belongs. So yes, she is mine. Period. There are some scenarios where I may elaborate due to whom I’m speaking with and what information is being exchanged. But in short, yes. She’s mine.
Despite the fact that we were warned, we didn’t really believe people would comment on her skin color. We assumed with today’s day and age, people can gather that either she’s mixed and my husband is a very attractive black man, or she’s adopted. Regardless, it doesn’t matter. However, people still have the audacity to ask questions or make comments. One man once asked me, “Is she yours? She doesn’t look like you…she came out a little darker… dark skin… dark hair…dark eyes…” I kept my answers simple and short — I was not going to engage in this conversation. “Yep, she’s mine… yep… yep… yep….”
Another woman also provided me an interaction I wasn’t expecting. When taking my daughter for a walk in a stroller, I ran into a woman who had a son about the same age. I expected that we would oooh and ahhh over the cuteness of our children. Instead, she asked, “Is she yours?” Ummm… yeah. Duh. “Oh, does your husband have darker hair? Do you have naturally dark hair.” Nope. And I left it at that and continued with our walk.
People also like to ask “Where is she from?” — like we adopted from over seas or something. Closely related, they’ll ask, “Was she a foster kid?” Or even “Was her mother on drugs?” Once again, I typically keep my answer short and sweet. Sometimes, I’ll elaborate depending on my mood and the context of the situation. More often than not, people mean well. They’re just curious and want to know more about her story. But just because they are curious does not entitle them to her story.
The comment that is surprisingly difficult for me to explain to people who aren’t familiar with adoption is the well-meaning comment, “That’s just so wonderful of you to adopt.” I struggle with this because I did not adopt out of the goodness of my heart. I adopted because I wanted a child. I am the one who is blessed. My child is the one who blessed me and made me a parent. It’s wonderful the birth mother chose me. I’m not some hero — at least, that’s not how I see myself. I see myself as someone who badly wanted to be a mother and was able to do so through adoption. I understand people are trying to say something kind and endearing and I will usually just say “Well, thank you.” and keep moving on. However, internally it makes me cringe.
Regardless of what is said, just be aware there are comments you will get because how your family came to be is unique. Remember that, for the most part, people mean well and are just curious. You do not owe anyone any answers. If you’re not comfortable talking about it or you think your child would be uncomfortable with the answers, there’s no need to elaborate. Just be aware that these comments are normal and eventually they won’t even phase you or you’ll find your go-to response.
