Talking to Your Child About Adoption
More often than you think, people ask us, “Do you plan on telling her she’s adopted?” Umm… in our scenario, I think she’d figure it out pretty quickly seeing she looks like nothing like us. I assume they are more likely asking, “What age do you plan on talking to her about her adoption?”
For us, we started from day one. Well before she could understand anything I would tell her her story. I’d rock her to sleep telling her how loved she was and how she came to be ours. I made a point very early on that I wanted to control the narrative. I didn’t want her to have any time to write a negative story of who she is and where she came from. It has always been important to me that she knows her story all begins and ends with love. I’ve also been very honest about her story (age appropriate of course). I let her know that when she was finally placed with us, there were happy tears and sad tears. Sad tears because her birth family was going to miss her so much but they were happy to know she was safe and loved.
Her birth mother made the most difficult decision, out of love, to place her daughter with another family so she could have a life that she wouldn’t have otherwise. It was never about not being good enough or unloved, it was never a fact of being unwanted or abandoned.
In addition to creating a positive narrative around her adoption, I want my daughter to know that the topic is not a taboo subject in our household. She can ask any questions she wants and it’s not going to “get weird.” I will answer her questions to the best of my ability and I can always reach out to her birth mom for those answers if I don’t have them. I want my daughter to have a strong sense of identity, who she is, and where she came from.
Lastly, talking about her adoption normalizes everything. Some families are formed through adoption, others are formed through surrogacy. Some families are formed the traditional way and others are raised by single parents or have come together to form a blended family. We talk about her birth mom incredibly casually and we look at pictures of her and the birth family.
When telling her her story, before bed, I always end with emphasizing how loved she is and how special she is to have two families that love her. We then list off all the people who love her.
Adoption is just part of her story. We all want to know where we came from and who we are. So, we started talking about it from the very beginning. Now, as she gets older, we can provide a few more details and be silly about her story. She gets excited to hear certain parts and she will start to tell the story herself. She’s proud of who she is and she loves listing off all the people who love her. She’s kind of a big deal.
