So You’ve Decided to Adopt
Whatever life’s experiences have led you to adoption, know that the journey and all of the ups and downs are worth it!
First and foremost, remember that every adoption experience looks different. Don’t go in listening to one family’s story thinking that’s how your adoption is going to look. Some stories lead you to unrealistic and wishful thinking while other stories leave you with a knot in the pit of your stomach and this dark cloud of anxiety and dread hanging over you.
What Led Us to Adopt
We are the classic story of infertility - except that we don’t actually know if we are infertile. All of our testing suggests we should have been able to get pregnant, and for whatever reason just never could.
We went through trying to conceive naturally on and off for years (the “off” part was when we’d get so frustrated we stopped forcing it and tried to approach it with “it will happen when it happens”). We also went through two rounds of IUI.
After testing negative for the umpteenth time, I finally decided we should just pursue adoption. I didn’t want to put my body through the IVF process - something incredibly hard on your body (especially with other medical conditions) and I certainly didn’t want to pay for IVF only to potentially test negative again and end up resorting to adoption anyway.
So instead, we skipped that step and went straight to adoption.
Starting the Process
When we decided to adopt, we chose to go through a private adoption agency. For us, going through the foster system was not something we thought we could handle — primarily because we couldn’t bare the thought of growing attached to a child only to realize that they wouldn’t be staying with us. (Yes, I know foster care’s ultimate goal is reunification. However, when you’re so desperate to be a mother, you’re not thinking about that).
We reached out to several agencies to learn about their process and expectations. We ultimately went with an agency that my cousin had used when they adopted a child.
After you have the consultation with the agency and confirm you want to move forward, that’s when you write the first check (let the expenses begin). Then, they send you a binder full of checklists and sample profile books, and whatever else you need to know to complete the process.
That binder is overwhelming. It’s what looks like an endless list of hoops that need to be jumped through just to bring home a baby (something that is so simple for the vast majority of soon-to-be parents). These hoops include:
Submitting personal paperwork (birth certificates, driver licenses, etc)
Completing background checks (includes finger prints)
Completing a form of adoption preferences (what criteria you are okay with when adopting: health background, drug exposure, gender, race, age, siblings, etc.)
Creating profile books to send to birth mothers (includes professional photography, writing, binding, mailing, etc)
Creating a mini video to showcase your life
Baby proofing the house for the home study
Completing a home Study
Hiring a lawyer (for yourself and the birth parents)
Completing education hours/first aid training
The list above is daunting by itself and yet still isn’t everything that is required. Just remember to take the list one item at a time. Break it down and start with the easy items and just go from there. Don’t look at the whole list or you’ll find yourself entirely overwhelmed.
The Hardest Part
Initially, you think the hardest part is paying off the final payment of the adoption costs and completing the never-ending to do list.
That’s actually not the case. Because while all of that paperwork is required, once your profile is complete and the core hoops have been jumped through, your profile can be presented to birth mothers. Then, while you finish the rest of your tasks, you’re not just staring at your phone.
The hard part is when that to-do list is complete. Now, you’re just waiting. In the beginning, any unknown call has you jumping up at in hopes that someone is calling you about a baby. Weeks go by and you’re emailing the adoption agency asking for updates.
Not knowing is a blessing and a curse. You don’t want to know how many times you’ve been turned down but you also want to know if anything is happening behind the scenes. You’re trying to trust that they will tell you something if there is something to tell but then you’re also questioning if they’re doing anything at all.
In addition to the waiting game, you will also have false alarms — whispers of a mother being interested in you, friends of friends find out you’re wanting to adopt and might know someone, or in our case, an Arizona county assessor tries to pressure you to sign a contract only to find out he’s far shadier than your gut instinct told you (Google Paul Peterson from Maricopa County).
Proceed with caution and try not to get your hopes up.
It’s Happening!
You FINALLY get the call. In our case, we got an email from the birth family (they were internet sleuths and managed to get a hold of us outside the agency). Although we responded to their emails, we were diligent in making sure the adoption agency was included as they could ensure everything went by the book and we were protected.
For some, families are chosen by expecting mothers - mothers that are due in weeks or months. You get to be part of the journey and there in the hospital when the baby is born. Then, depending on the state, there’s different regulations for how long you have to stay in the state and how many hours you have to wait before the birth mother can sign over her rights (which can also lead to heightened anxiety).
For us, our daughter was already 6 months old. Therefore, we didn’t have to wait for the birth mother to sign any paperwork. From the day they made contact with us to the day we gained custody of our daughter was 3 weeks! We had been in the adoption process for almost two years. So, although the waiting game was a long game, the adoption process itself was really short.
We had hired an attorney for the birth mother so she had adequate representation and knew exactly what she was signing and agreeing to. This ensured she could never come back down the road and claim she didn’t know otherwise.
We got custody of our child at the end of May. Her adoption hearing was the beginning of November. Once we had custody of her, we could travel with her and do what normal parents would normally do. She simply didn’t have our last name nor could we order a new birth certificate until it was legally finalized.
The Aftermath
There’s this awkwardness after the adoption that you try to navigate. Because we opted for an open adoption, trying to figure out how to communicate with the mother and also move at a pace that was comfortable for us was a delicate matter. We didn’t know if she wanted pictures right away or if that would make it that much harder for her.
I initially struggled with the idea of her sending cards and signing them “Mom” or “Your mom.” I decided to ask her that we use her first name until time went on and I realized it really didn’t matter. Most of the struggle was more about my own insecurities than what it would actually mean to my child.
Now, we’ve established a nice balance. We have a shared album on our iPhones that we casually upload to and I’ll send texts directly to her. This album is shared with not only the birth family but all of our family and closest friends - we’ve been able to just loop them in like we would anyone else in our family.
They send her gift boxes and cards and I occasionally send art work or letters back to them with updates about milestones, etc. I’ll text them quick updates or even ask questions about medical concerns or family history questions, or personal preferences about things. I have a binder that organizes the letters and cards she has received over the years that I will give her when she’s older so she can look back on her life and see that she was never forgotten and that everything has been done out of love.
Last Thoughts
Adoption costs are no joke. You end up paying the adoption fee, costs to print and mail the profiles, costs for professional photography, costs for background checks and home studies, costs for travel (if the birth mother is elsewhere), lawyer fees, and birth mother costs (should you agree to any of them). The only benefit is you may qualify for the adoption tax credit (assuming your income isn’t too high) helping you recoup the majority of the cost.
It’s not easy. It feels unfair if this journey is simply because you couldn’t get pregnant. You experience every emotion in the book and it’s even more difficult because most of your loved ones just don’t get it. You find yourself asking, is it worth it? Yes.
It is. It is entirely worth it.
We see, now, that it was meant to be. Being pregnant would have been hard on my body as I’m epileptic and the meds I’d have to be on would be risky with a child. We have a child we could never have conceived and she is the best. We feel really lucky and the best part is that she is going to grow up with so many more people in her life loving her and cheering for her.
You’ve got this.
